Sometimes we ask for things and don’t always get them. We learned this as a child with our parents when we would ask for everything in the supermarket or when we would ask for cookies before dinner and were told no. I remember in elementary school how the teachers would always say, “You get what you get,” as they passed out lollipops and we all knew we wanted the blueberry Dum-Dum pop. We don’t always get our way in life and that’s a fact.
A lot of us have the erroneous mentality that God is like a genie-in-a-bottle. We rub it softly, ask for what we want, and boom– the genie gives us our wish. But actually, He’s God. He doesn’t always do what we say or what we ask. He doesn’t always answer our prayers exactly the way we want. But I do believe He always answers them. If you listen closely to that small, still voice and pay attention to your surroundings, you will get a reply.
Exactly one month and one week from the day I’m writing this, I gave birth to my stillborn son. It was the hardest experience of my life and it still is. I pled to God—as well as my family and countless others—for Him to revive my son. I fully believe God has the power to have restarted my son’s heartbeat within my womb. I fully believe God could have done it even after he was born too. But as we all know, that didn’t happen. I prayed in faith and I hoped, but still saying, “Lord, do your will”. I understood that there was a chance that God would not bring my son back to life.
Because at the end of the day, He is God. He is not a child who we command and expect Him to do everything we say. In fact, we are His children, not the other way around. So you ask, why didn’t God bring back my son? Or why did He allow it to happen? I believe He is all-knowing and all-seeing, therefore He understands things we couldn’t even begin to comprehend. This is why even though I constantly ask “Why?” I still know that there is a reason for everything. And He understands those reasons. I may not find out during my lifetime why this had to happen. And perhaps when I get to Heaven, He can explain it all to me. But the reality is once we get there we may not be so concerned with what happened during our earthly lives! We would be so happy we’re there, nothing else would matter.
I’m in no way diminishing how hurtful this experience has been to me, my husband, and all my family and friends. This experience has even impacted people we do not know and people we just met. And this makes me sad, that something that happened in my life has also added sadness to other people’s lives. But I believe God knows what He’s doing. I know He wouldn’t have permitted this to pass through His hands if there wasn’t a purpose. I know that He loves us and wouldn’t let us go through such a difficult time just because He wants to “mess with us”. I don’t think He takes these things lightly. He feels our pain with us and comforts us when we need it. I know He’s comforted me many times these past weeks. There are so many maybe’s and what-if’s. What if God was keeping us from a different kind of pain in the future? What if He was avoiding something that was going to happen in my son’s life and would have caused him or all of us pain? I know that my son is in a better place. There’s no greater place to be. I know that his innocent, sweet soul went straight up to Heaven the moment his heart stopped beating. It’s where all babies go, right?!
A lot of couples today forget to be polite. In our society, we believe politeness is just something you do while you’re dating. Because why would you go out with someone again if they were rude to you, right? I had someone compliment my husband & I once saying, “Wow, it’s like you guys never fight!” Of course, we do fight from time to time. But we do make it our goal to be as peaceful and civil as possible. It’s not about “avoiding” fights because sometimes there are serious matters to discuss. But it’s a matter of doing it in a way where you’re not yelling, cursing at each other, interrupting each other, insulting, or throwing things at each other. We are not perfect, for sure. But I grew up watching an example of what a marriage is NOT supposed to be. And so I made it my very goal to have the “perfect marriage”. That to me equals Peace. Without peace, you only have strife, dysfunction, tears, unhappiness, violence, altercations, anger, insults. To be honest, I’m sooo tired of all the fights and lack of peace I experienced growing up. I just want to have a happy home. I really don’t have the patience or the energy to tolerate that kind of negativity anymore. I don’t think it’s truly who I am to live in such a way. I think I was simply brought up in it but had it been a perfect world, I would have grown up in a family who loved and respected each other, and most of all were polite. They say we are a product of our environment. And yes I carry some things from the past with me. They’re imprinted in me now. But how I want to live and who I want to be are besides that. I’ve made the choice to be respectful and patient and live a marriage different from what I was taught. I guess it has to do with seeing everything it was not supposed to be and striving to do the exact opposite. What I’m trying to say is, be polite with your significant other. It might seem strange or weird at first because in your mind it’s something you leave for strangers or people you only just met. No, it’s for ALL THE TIME.
When you ask bae to hand you the towel for the child’s dirty nose, say thank you. Don’t think he was required to do it because he’s your husband and father of your child and therefore it’s his duty to do something like that anyways. Because in reality, he can do whatever he wants. Your spouse still has freewill! He can choose to not be a father or a husband and up & leave whenever. Don’t think he had to do it simply because you “told him to”. A lot of partners have this ignorant mindset—he’s supposed to. So what? Be thankful. Be polite. Ask nicely and when he gives it to you say thank you. Don’t just sit there with a bland attitude & take for granted the small things.
Once in a while, tell your partner how much you appreciate them. You might not think it but it is one of the most important things to do in a relationship. When you’re both on that daily grind and you feel like you’re trekking up the mountain, you start to feel a little worn out. You wouldn’t believe how refreshing it is when your spouse looks at you in the eye and honestly tells you that he’s been watching how hard you work & that he really appreciates all that you do. And as the receiver of those words, don’t expect anything else! Don’t sit there and be like, “OK, aaannd… you’re gonna treat me to a spa day then, right? :D” That would only spoil it. Because the price of those words when said from the heart could never amount to any dollar he could spend on you. Besides, when you expect more in a moment like that, you would only be letting yourself down. Think of it in the supernatural realm: when he said those words to you, he deposited a whole chunk of points into your love bank. You can’t get those points anywhere else! These are the love points that will carry on your relationship and make you guys stronger, later.
Sometimes, when I’m talking to my husband I almost feel like I’m treating him as if I met him still for the first time. I catch myself and think, “Why am I being so damn nice?” But that’s my old self speaking. Yeah, I do need to be “unnecessarily” nice with my husband. This is how we will keep the peace and spread the love. You don’t think my husband likes feeling respected by me? I have seen too many women emasculate their guys. They will disrespect them in private and in public. But like my mom always told me, any man will choose to be respected before he is loved. And without respect there is no love right?
With being polite there’s being sweet too. I remember one time we were at dinner with a bunch of other couples. I forget what we were talking about but I know at one point I asked him a question in reference to the topic and I ended it with “my love?” So if we were talking about traveling I would have said, “Do you know if we ever passed through Indiana, my love?” And everyone laughed because I put my hand on his and said “my love”. But I call him my love or mi amor all the time. They thought I was being so sweet and thought it was cute. But the fact is that’s how we are all the time and that’s how it should be. And that’s how they should always strive to be with their spouses all the time, whether in private or in public. Why not be like this instead of emasculate or embarrass your loved one in front of others? All because we don’t want to seem weak and we want to seem like we are the strong one in the relationship. Forget that. You’ll never be stronger than when you are in it together.
So be polite with your loved one. Be sweet! Strive to keep the peace and the love alive. Do things for them they wouldn’t expect you to do. And not just the romantic things, like surprising them with their favorite game or food. Think ahead of them and take care of things for them that they hadn’t thought of yet. Every relationship and every person is unique. Only YOU know what would really touch their hearts. So let’s be different from all the unhappy, sour couples out there. Set the standard! Be the example we all wish we could be. Besides, if politeness is so rare today that it’s confused with flirting, why not do it with your spouse and see where things go?!
So this is my first attempt at writing my first blog entry. Kind of nervous… I had thought about doing a vlog or Video Log (apparently blog comes from Web Log) but even worse than my mind going blank for few seconds while trying to fill up this white, electronic sheet is making a video and stuttering or forgetting what you were going to say or blushing and then having to spend more time editing the video than making the video in the first place. Plus, my laptop is a slow glitchy, Windows one versus a Mac and I’m not a wiz at video editing. I’m so worried about creating clever sentences and writing to “captivate and keep” the reader to impress others but hey, I’m really doing this for me and this is not a popularity contest. I’ve always hated those, with a strong passion. I’ve always hated pride, bragging and conceitedness. You want me to not like you? Be the most prideful, conceited, gas headed person you can be. Speaking about not liking someone, let’s talk about bullying today.
It’s been on my mind a lot. I’ve been going thru snippets of memories in my head of all the times I’ve been bullied as a young girl, and sadly, even as an adult. You think bullying leaves when you turn eighteen? Nope. It never does. It stays. Why? Because we’re humans. Because as long as there is all the sin that is so abundant on poor mother earth, there will always be bullies. I remember feeling puzzled when I was in second grade as my teacher let us know that gossiping continues even into adult lives, even in the workplace. Perhaps she was going through that at the moment and it’s what led her to say it. But I always associated bullying with something that happened in schools or buses and with children only. I almost didn’t believe her.
But now I do. As a matter of a fact <<<doesn’t sound right when you write in properly so >>> As a matta’ fact, the clues have always been there. When you watch movies or tv shows with adults, there’s always at least one character that doesn’t like the other and they both give each other a hard time. Had they been children, you would consider it bullying but as an adult, oh no it’s ridiculous to call it that. You seem childish and petty for doing so. But the truth is, that’s exactly what it is!! We just don’t want to call it that because it makes us feel ashamed! We adults talk about bullying amongst children and watch documentaries of kids committing suicide and point a finger at it and say how bad it is, not realizing WE do it too. To call a child a bully makes them appear so bad they are worthy of being left in jail to rot for all eternity but we won’t call an adult a bully. We see just how bad it is when children get bullied that we don’t want to be titled that ourselves. Well newsflash, adults can be bullies too.
You think a girl who has been a bully all her life—-gossiping about the geeky girl, sneering at her, snickering when she walks by, pointing fingers, whispering and then looking towards her way, I can go on and on—-is going to change all of a sudden when she turns 18? No, unless they got the rude awakening they so deserve and need, they are going to continue being who they’ve been all along. A bully.
I really want to know what goes through their hearts and minds that lead them to treat others so poorly. I’ve known a few that are not bullies towards me but if I were to ask them that they would say, “I AM NOT A BULLY!!!!!” Because, like I said, no one wants to be called a bully. I give sympathy towards some I know because I know their past and what they’ve gone through. You might say, they have a reason for being so bitter and angry and mean towards others. But there is no excusing to treating others like trash just because you feel like trash. If you give yourself the opportunity to treat someone kindly, you might just see that you feel good too. Some tips I wish everyone knew and would follow:
- If you don’t have anything nice to say, keep it to yourself.
- Treat em’ how they want to be treated.
- Just because you don’t like someone, doesn’t mean you have to disrespect them.
If you’re an adult, oh wait let me change that > If you’re wise and mature, you can separate the fact that you don’t like someone with the way you treat them. If you don’t like that person, do you need to let them know every second or every opportunity you get? No, just ignore them. Go about you way. Do your business. You don’t need all that extra drama added to it like “Hey! I don’t like you! I know I’ve let you know that a thousand times today but I’m gonna let you know one more time, k’?!”
If you’re at school and you know you are all there to get an education (despite what some teenagers insist), than get your education and don’t be worrying about what the next person is doing like “oh ew, look what she came wearing today”. No, worry about what you are wearing! I wonder what treating others badly gets you? Do you sleep better at night? Does it make you feel good after you do it? I mean, it looks like hard work being so mean to people. But nah, it’s not hard for bullies. It’s actually hard for them to tame themselves because their number one impulse is to open their mouths and say/do something stupid. I pity you. Because maybe you want to stop, but you can’t. Maybe you need to stop at certain times like when you’re standing in front of someone you know you can’t do that around and your insides are bubbling up because you want to do something so bad. Hhmm… maybe it’s an addiction. No, it’s not. People can change. We are malleable. There is no excuse.
You might have cocked your head when I said “treat em how they want to be treated”. That might strike you as strange. All our lives we’ve heard the golden rule:
This doesn’t mean you’re gonna go bonking people on the head because you like getting bonked on the head but basically, if you don’t like people telling you to shut up, don’t tell others to shut up. If you don’t like people canceling on you at the last minute, don’t cancel on others at the last minute. If you don’t like people calling you at 4am, don’t call others at 4am. Get it? Now, these examples don’t all have to do with bullying but I think you get the point.
There’s a flaw with the golden rule. If you like certain things but the other person does not like certain things, you can’t expect to treat them the way you would like yourself be treated and them be ok with it. Because maybe you don’t know that your friend doesn’t like jokes aimed at them, but you find it funny when people do it with you. They tell you,
- hey, I don’t like that
- why not? It’s funny J
- no it’s not, I don’t like it.
- whatever, I don’t care. HAHAHA your mom’s a stripper *everyone laughs
- my bad
And then don’t do it again! Ta daaaa.
That’s why we have the Silver or Platinum rule.
You may be ok with playing rough and having people poke you excessively with pencils, but they are not. So respect them. Don’t poke other people just because you like getting poked. Poke yourself.
Last but not least, words are hurtful. And their scars take years and are harder to heal because you can’t see them with your physical eye. Sometimes you can’t know a persona has emotional damage until something extreme causes it to come up to the surface. You have to be very observant to notice it. Once you let a wound go untreated, it can fester and grow pus and bleed and become so far gone it’s gonna take a whole lot of counseling to get past it. These invisible wounds are caused by verbal abuse or sometimes actions that require no words. Like when a dad promises his son he’s gonna pick him up on Sunday for ice cream and then doesn’t show. He doesn’t call before or after. Just leaves him feeling completely and hopelessly abandoned. If you’re having a hard time sympathizing, imagine if it was a guy or girl you liked and they said they would pick you up Friday for a movie, and you sit ready by the door waiting all night until finally its 1am and you say “they’re not coming…”. You’re going to feel like crap afterwards.
Has anyone ever insulted you or called you a name? It hurt didn’t it? And maybe you didn’t get over it right away. You kept thinking about it for days. You couldn’t get it off your mind. Then eventually you forgot about it or decided you weren’t going to think about it anymore but the pain was tucked away deep into the back shelves of your heart. But later, it somehow surfaces at the wrong time or a stranger said something similar to you on the wrong day and you blow up on them as if releasing all the anger you’ve had toward that first offender onto this perfect stranger. Come on. Stop acting like words don’t hurt. I remember hurtful words spoken to me by my parents more than all the spankings they’ve given me. When I think about their spankings, I can’t feel the burn on my leg anymore but I can feel my heart sinking when I think of what they said to me. And then I feel sad on an otherwise perfectly happy day because of what was said to me years ago. Words can’t be erased such as on this word processor I’m using. They are forever etched into our brains. This is why we have to be careful with what we say. Choose your words carefully!
My point is, be respectful to others. Learn to separate not liking someone with the way you treat them. You don’t have to like your neighbor, but you do have to respect them. Your actions can have a great effect on people. Your words could be the last words someone hears before they decide to take their lives. Your actions could be the trigger that lead someone to finally have a nervous breakdown or a psychotic outbreak. Sometimes, a simple and genuinely kind “Hello!” can brighten someone’s day and even save their life.
I listened to a testimony by a woman I know where she felt like the Holy Spirit was telling her “Say hello to him”, towards a boy that no one liked in their high school. She really wanted to, but felt too shy to do so. Maybe she doubted whether God was really telling her to say something, anything kind, to that boy. That night he took his life and she lives in guilt even as an adult wondering if she could have saved him by simply saying “God bless you” or “Jesus loves you” or simply, “How’re you doing?” Contrary to our beliefs, we are actually important in this world. Our simple everyday actions have an impact on people’s lives even if you’re doing something as simple as checking out a customer at a register. We leave a stamp on each person we encounter, no matter how insignificant the interaction may have seemed. Have you ever wondered about a complete stranger you encountered after the day is over? “Man, that girl who checked me out at the supermarket was so grumpy today, I wonder what her problem was…” or “Gosh, that elderly woman was so inspiring just marching along that trail getting her fitness. Wish I could be like her…” We have no idea who these people are and we probably might never see them again but they left a stamp on us, an experience, a moment, something to think about. Strive to leave invisible smiley face stamps on people’s minds. They’re going to remember you that night when they lay to rest and rewind the entire day on their mental movie screen. Be the cause for someone’s joy, satisfaction, inspiration, or positive change!!